It's 12:28am...I know I need to go to sleep but I can't. Tomorrow is another full day, but I can't make myself respect the person who is going to be walking through my day tomorrow enough to provide her with sufficient rest. Maybe the reason why is because right now I have freedom. Even though the hour is late, at least I am able to spend the time I have the way I want to. When I wake up tomorrow, I face another day of dictated movements, places to be, people to smile at, projects to complete, papers to write, racks and racks of the same kind of breads to package at work, managers who smile and say "good luck" and "have a good evening" but never look quite look you in the eye, teachers who hardly notice your existence outside of your grades, a family that only really cares about going through the motions of life...this isn't living. I am a shell of the depicted successful American. I go to college, I work long hours at my part time job to build wealth, I take care of my family members, I exercise daily to maintain my physical health...but my mental health is in shambles.
I don't feel like a person, I feel like a shell trying desperately to pass as the perfect human...I smile and laugh with people...but I don't feel those emotions in my heart. Everything is on the surface...so what lies within? What can be found in a shell? Is there anything left in there or have I buried myself so deeply that the apathy that I so despised from my past relationships become my own disposition?
Not for one second will I believe that the soul inside of me is squelched...not for one second will I give into the thought that I no longer exist...somewhere inside these dead eyes, a light burns bright enough to be seen by the people who care about me...bright enough to be coaxed out by the One who created it...
The question is, how can I let go of my intention to control long enough for Him to breathe life back into me? How can I willingly give up? I am so afraid of failing I don't trust anyone else to take control....but that's a mistaken way of thinking because obviously, my being in control is causing me to fail anyways...
My song of the day: Blindsided by Bon Iver
Quote of the day: "All that is required for evil to triumph, is for good man to do nothing." Edmund Burke
Drink of the day: Green Tea
I don't feel like a person, I feel like a shell trying desperately to pass as the perfect human...I smile and laugh with people...but I don't feel those emotions in my heart. Everything is on the surface...so what lies within? What can be found in a shell? Is there anything left in there or have I buried myself so deeply that the apathy that I so despised from my past relationships become my own disposition?
Not for one second will I believe that the soul inside of me is squelched...not for one second will I give into the thought that I no longer exist...somewhere inside these dead eyes, a light burns bright enough to be seen by the people who care about me...bright enough to be coaxed out by the One who created it...
The question is, how can I let go of my intention to control long enough for Him to breathe life back into me? How can I willingly give up? I am so afraid of failing I don't trust anyone else to take control....but that's a mistaken way of thinking because obviously, my being in control is causing me to fail anyways...
My song of the day: Blindsided by Bon Iver
Quote of the day: "All that is required for evil to triumph, is for good man to do nothing." Edmund Burke
Drink of the day: Green Tea