I'm gonna tell you a story really quick. It's about mustard seeds. I know it's a cliché symbol for Faith. I can feel my eyes rolling to the back of my skull the instant anyone says anything about Faith being like a mustard seed...people that never grew up in church even know the analogy. But the great thing about God and His word is that they are living and breathing and nothing ever has to become a cliché. I've learned that this summer...But before I talk about mustard seeds...Ima talk real quick about depression.
Do you ever get in down moods where you feel like everything you look at is dull and meaningless? You tell yourself over and over again that it's just out of whack hormones and chemicals or just current circumstances or letting everything get to you...but you can't seem to talk yourself out of it. It's a terrible feeling. It's a weight in your chest, a tension in your muscles...you don't want to get out of bed or open your eyes...What's the point? That's depression...and you don't have to be constantly in a state of hopelessness or have to be officially diagnosed to experience it. It can happen to anyone and it hit you out of no where.
I was driving when it hit me once. I had woken up in a melancholy mood and I couldn't seem to shake it no matter what I did. I had been running around all day and the late June humidity that made everything slow and heavy wasn't helping at all. It was right about 2pm when I felt like I had been whacked with the last wave of unbearable weight. I had just dropped my sister off at work. We had been discussing the troubles in her life and the weight from her pain that I felt empathetically put me over the edge. The instant she left the car I felt every muscle in my body start aching. My head was too heavy to hold up and my eyes started clouding over and it was hard to focus on the road in front of me. I suddenly had this urge to smash my foot down on the gas pedal and crash head first into whatever object stood in my way. Maybe nothing would happen, maybe I would cease to exist, or maybe I would just be injured so badly I'd be forced to stop for awhile and recoop. I didn't want to die exactly...I just wanted to stop. I remember putting slight pressure on the pedal and trying to picture a faintly burning ember (in place of my spirit) being smothered. I wanted the light to go out so I could say I had officially given up. But as with the times I had felt hopeless before and tried to beat out the light, the faint glow REFUSED to dim. As much as I tried to beat out the light with the metaphorical winds and rains of everything I felt I was being beaten down by, I could not envision the light going dim. This has been a somewhat comical and very frustrating experience for me since December of last year. I couldn't officially feel capable of giving up until that light burnt out. I was so angry that I couldn't get rid of it. It baffled me that it was still burning no matter what I did to it.
Okay, that was a super personal thing to share...but in light of that struggle, I can now describe how the mustard seed analogy has new life to me. So now I'm going to describe where the mustard seeds came from.
I haven't been prayer journaling lately. I used to do it every single day for three years. But this summer I gave up. I've felt my Faith slowly burning out...I've been feeling distance but more intense...I know in my head that if I open my eyes to see God working in my life I'll see him again and I can feel revived. But I sometimes feel it's unfair that I have to work so hard to keep my eyes open. In moments where I feel that hopelessness, I don't even have the strength to convince myself to open my eyes anyway. One day this summer I went on a walk so I could get away from all the noise and talk to Jesus. I told Him how I had been feeling and how I felt that I had lost my Faith. While I was walking remembered the verse about mustard seeds:
"He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20
So I told Jesus, "Okay, Jesus." *Eyeroll* "I guess I need some mustard seeds. I feel like I've lost my Faith and I feel that in turn I've lost you...that somehow you aren't here anymore and I've successfully blocked you out. So I need some mustard seeds as proof that You and my Faith are still with me."
I had wanted some kind of sign involving mustard seeds...whether physical mustard seeds or metaphorical...just something that was unarguably God giving me some mustard seeds. So I waited. I wrote in prayer journal that I was waiting for some mustard seeds. I have a picture below as proof:
And here is where everything ties together:
A few weeks later I was having another one of those really hard days...the ones that threaten depression. I woke up on a Sunday morning to a text that someone very close to me had been rushed to the emergency room at 2am. I floated around that morning wanting to just go back to sleep and forget stuff for awhile but I hadn't been to church in about a month and I knew I would feel a lot better if I got some encouragement...so I started driving to church. On the way I randomly decided to try out a new church I had never been to before (mainly because the place the church is held at makes really good coffee) and I changed my destination. I only mention this because it's crazy how many factors played into creating the exact scenario that ended with me at this church on this Sunday with this specific sermon.
You might be able to guess, the entire sermon that morning was about mustard seeds. The part that stood out most clearly to me was when the pastor read this verse:
"He put another parable before them saying, 'The kingdom of Heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field.'" Matthew 13:31
The pastor described the meaning of this verse being that God plants in each of us a tiny mustard seed that even when we are being pressed on all sides, grows with our faith. Instantaneouly after the pastor said those words the vision of the burning ember that refused to go out flashed into my mind. Somehow my mind made the connection that the burning ember and the mustard seed were the same. It was never my strength that was keeping me from giving up and it impossible to make God's Spirit planted inside of me give up on me. I saw the mustard seed flourish into a tall strong tree and the burning ember grow into a light that warmed every part of me. All along I had the mustard seeds...I just needed to make the connection.
As always, God knew the best way to get the message across to me. Light has always been symbolic to me of God's spirit and kingdom because light is warm and strong. He used mustard seeds as a symbol for his spirit and kingdom in His word. However, He wanted the parable to be special and unique to me so He gave me a different visual and then connected them for me when I needed it most.
God speaks to us in ways that are unique to the way we listen. And more often than not He speaks to us in loud ways that are hard to miss. So long as we are open to acknowledging His hand or the possibility of His hand instead of sleeping through it...we can hear Him. And the most rewarding thing about it is He speaks the language of our hearts. His messages will be unique according to what we need. Everyone heard the message about mustard seeds...but I heard a message about a light that gives us strength and never dies or gives up no matter how hard we push it away.
A few weeks later I was having another one of those really hard days...the ones that threaten depression. I woke up on a Sunday morning to a text that someone very close to me had been rushed to the emergency room at 2am. I floated around that morning wanting to just go back to sleep and forget stuff for awhile but I hadn't been to church in about a month and I knew I would feel a lot better if I got some encouragement...so I started driving to church. On the way I randomly decided to try out a new church I had never been to before (mainly because the place the church is held at makes really good coffee) and I changed my destination. I only mention this because it's crazy how many factors played into creating the exact scenario that ended with me at this church on this Sunday with this specific sermon.
You might be able to guess, the entire sermon that morning was about mustard seeds. The part that stood out most clearly to me was when the pastor read this verse:
"He put another parable before them saying, 'The kingdom of Heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field.'" Matthew 13:31
The pastor described the meaning of this verse being that God plants in each of us a tiny mustard seed that even when we are being pressed on all sides, grows with our faith. Instantaneouly after the pastor said those words the vision of the burning ember that refused to go out flashed into my mind. Somehow my mind made the connection that the burning ember and the mustard seed were the same. It was never my strength that was keeping me from giving up and it impossible to make God's Spirit planted inside of me give up on me. I saw the mustard seed flourish into a tall strong tree and the burning ember grow into a light that warmed every part of me. All along I had the mustard seeds...I just needed to make the connection.
As always, God knew the best way to get the message across to me. Light has always been symbolic to me of God's spirit and kingdom because light is warm and strong. He used mustard seeds as a symbol for his spirit and kingdom in His word. However, He wanted the parable to be special and unique to me so He gave me a different visual and then connected them for me when I needed it most.
God speaks to us in ways that are unique to the way we listen. And more often than not He speaks to us in loud ways that are hard to miss. So long as we are open to acknowledging His hand or the possibility of His hand instead of sleeping through it...we can hear Him. And the most rewarding thing about it is He speaks the language of our hearts. His messages will be unique according to what we need. Everyone heard the message about mustard seeds...but I heard a message about a light that gives us strength and never dies or gives up no matter how hard we push it away.