*Warning...this post is going to be lengthy but I believe every word is important. :)
Lately (as in the past like three months) I've noticed that my attitude towards life and therefore my general disposition has been extremely negative. Every other word out of my mouth has been a complaint of some sort and every thought clouded with the doom and gloom of self-pity.
You can probably tell that this is pretty accurate by reading the last blog post. The funny thing is, I didn't really realize there was a problem until just recently. It's like I forgot what joy felt like. Sure a few people would say things to me about the change in my attitude (*cough cough* family members), but I never took their comments seriously as they were my family and I figured they were all just in bad moods as well...wanting me to share in their misery. But let me clue you in on a little secret...not very many people in your life will be blatantly honest with you about the way you are...In fact, usually the only people you can rely on for that kind of honesty are your family members. If a family member is saying something to you about a certain behavior (mind you should not take comments in the form of insults during arguments too seriously) then you should take into consideration what they say.
My family members happened to individually tell me at random times pretty close to the same thing: "Stephaney, you've been really irritable lately." "All you ever do recently is complain." "Why are you always in such a bad mood these days?" Maybe I should have taken these comments more seriously as most of them were made a couple of months ago...If I had thought about what they meant sooner, maybe I would have saved myself those three months of grumpiness.
I don't really know how the realization finally dawned on me...possibly the persistent comments from my family, the bored expression on the faces of my family and friends as I AGAIN rehashed the unjust ways I was being treated at school and work, or maybe it was the constant flood of negative thoughts when I was finally alone to think, not being able to see a brighter future in days ahead of me. One day however, I realized I wasn't happy and I hadn't been for awhile...I made a promise to myself to stop complaining all the time because it was just making me angry over things I couldn't do anything about. Complaining didn't help the situation in the slightest...it just made it worse by making me feel angry all over again even when distanced from the situation.
It was important for me to recognize the problem with always complaining...but just knowing that it was a problem didn't really solve the issue for me...see the problems and my attitude towards them didn't go away just because I stopped verbally recognizing them. I was still discontent with my life...I still had angry thoughts towards the injustice of the situations, and it suddenly dawned on me that my lack of zeal for the future was an early stage of depression and this conclusion scared me most of all.
I think it was during one of my long internal rants of self-pity that I realized something...I was poisoning my soul everyday with a little bit of bitterness. I don't believe that this "realization" came to me just out of the blue...I think the Holy Spirit responded to my cries to be filled with joy again as I had once been...because it seemed out of nowhere the word "bitterness" was whispered into my consciousness and suddenly everything became clear to me. Not only was the word whispered into my soul, but also somehow the connection of it being like poison was made. I know that this was the Holy Spirit because it isn't often that people whilst in the midst of self-pity can see things logically much less things in a broader spectrum of perception.
I wrote in my prayer journal that I needed Jesus to show me how to dig out the bitterness in my life because it was making my soul sick and I needed a cure before the bitterness completely took over. I didn't instantly feel better afterwards but at work that evening one of my particularly vocal and blatantly honest coworkers mentioned to me that I seemed back to normal...that it had been awhile since he had seen me in a good mood.
I'm not going to pretend that everything is back to normal now...when you poison infects your soul, it takes awhile to detox yourself...I'm going to need a lot of internal inspection to find where the root of the problem came from, and of course use the scriptures as a way to refresh myself with a more heavenly perspective. But my point is, the simple act of recognizing the bitterness in my soul and pointing it out for what it is has already started the physically visible process of detoxing my soul.
To summarize, bitterness will sneak up on you out of nowhere, disguising herself as just anger or resentment. If someone notes a change in your attitude, take heed and try to discern when or why the change came about. Recognizing problems for what they really are on your own is next to impossible so recruit the help of the Holy Spirit...He wants to help you! And last of all but not least, if you aren't happy that's not the way it has to stay. I'm a strong believer in the choice for happiness...don't stay depressed just because you don't know how to get out of it. Start looking for solutions! Pray earnestly for the joy of the Lord to fill you up again. This life is meant to be enjoyed. :)
Song of the day is: Therapy by Relient K
Verse is: Ephesians 4:31-32 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
Drink: Chai Tea Latte
Lately (as in the past like three months) I've noticed that my attitude towards life and therefore my general disposition has been extremely negative. Every other word out of my mouth has been a complaint of some sort and every thought clouded with the doom and gloom of self-pity.
You can probably tell that this is pretty accurate by reading the last blog post. The funny thing is, I didn't really realize there was a problem until just recently. It's like I forgot what joy felt like. Sure a few people would say things to me about the change in my attitude (*cough cough* family members), but I never took their comments seriously as they were my family and I figured they were all just in bad moods as well...wanting me to share in their misery. But let me clue you in on a little secret...not very many people in your life will be blatantly honest with you about the way you are...In fact, usually the only people you can rely on for that kind of honesty are your family members. If a family member is saying something to you about a certain behavior (mind you should not take comments in the form of insults during arguments too seriously) then you should take into consideration what they say.
My family members happened to individually tell me at random times pretty close to the same thing: "Stephaney, you've been really irritable lately." "All you ever do recently is complain." "Why are you always in such a bad mood these days?" Maybe I should have taken these comments more seriously as most of them were made a couple of months ago...If I had thought about what they meant sooner, maybe I would have saved myself those three months of grumpiness.
I don't really know how the realization finally dawned on me...possibly the persistent comments from my family, the bored expression on the faces of my family and friends as I AGAIN rehashed the unjust ways I was being treated at school and work, or maybe it was the constant flood of negative thoughts when I was finally alone to think, not being able to see a brighter future in days ahead of me. One day however, I realized I wasn't happy and I hadn't been for awhile...I made a promise to myself to stop complaining all the time because it was just making me angry over things I couldn't do anything about. Complaining didn't help the situation in the slightest...it just made it worse by making me feel angry all over again even when distanced from the situation.
It was important for me to recognize the problem with always complaining...but just knowing that it was a problem didn't really solve the issue for me...see the problems and my attitude towards them didn't go away just because I stopped verbally recognizing them. I was still discontent with my life...I still had angry thoughts towards the injustice of the situations, and it suddenly dawned on me that my lack of zeal for the future was an early stage of depression and this conclusion scared me most of all.
I think it was during one of my long internal rants of self-pity that I realized something...I was poisoning my soul everyday with a little bit of bitterness. I don't believe that this "realization" came to me just out of the blue...I think the Holy Spirit responded to my cries to be filled with joy again as I had once been...because it seemed out of nowhere the word "bitterness" was whispered into my consciousness and suddenly everything became clear to me. Not only was the word whispered into my soul, but also somehow the connection of it being like poison was made. I know that this was the Holy Spirit because it isn't often that people whilst in the midst of self-pity can see things logically much less things in a broader spectrum of perception.
I wrote in my prayer journal that I needed Jesus to show me how to dig out the bitterness in my life because it was making my soul sick and I needed a cure before the bitterness completely took over. I didn't instantly feel better afterwards but at work that evening one of my particularly vocal and blatantly honest coworkers mentioned to me that I seemed back to normal...that it had been awhile since he had seen me in a good mood.
I'm not going to pretend that everything is back to normal now...when you poison infects your soul, it takes awhile to detox yourself...I'm going to need a lot of internal inspection to find where the root of the problem came from, and of course use the scriptures as a way to refresh myself with a more heavenly perspective. But my point is, the simple act of recognizing the bitterness in my soul and pointing it out for what it is has already started the physically visible process of detoxing my soul.
To summarize, bitterness will sneak up on you out of nowhere, disguising herself as just anger or resentment. If someone notes a change in your attitude, take heed and try to discern when or why the change came about. Recognizing problems for what they really are on your own is next to impossible so recruit the help of the Holy Spirit...He wants to help you! And last of all but not least, if you aren't happy that's not the way it has to stay. I'm a strong believer in the choice for happiness...don't stay depressed just because you don't know how to get out of it. Start looking for solutions! Pray earnestly for the joy of the Lord to fill you up again. This life is meant to be enjoyed. :)
Song of the day is: Therapy by Relient K
Verse is: Ephesians 4:31-32 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
Drink: Chai Tea Latte