Something I think we forget is that we have a say in our boundaries. It can be hard to assert our boundaries, especially if we think they are going to make us look bad, too uptight, selfish or (as I have been called on multiple occasions) prudish...
But you know what? Having boundaries doesn't make you a prude...it makes you a person with self-esteem, respect for others and high moral standards. If someone doesn't agree with your boundaries, that is fine! You are entitled to your standards just as they are entitled to theirs. But it's better to find out the differences right away.
Losing someone in the beginning of a relationship over strict boundaries hurts a whole lot less than losing someone at the end after compromising more than you would have wanted.
As a Christian girl in an increasingly secular world...it can be really difficult to figure out where you stand on these wavering lines and blurring boundaries...I tend to be more conservative in my views and I think in this regard, it is the better stance. I think it's better to be prepared before hand, open up with honesty as the offense rather than building walls in defense after being hurt.
So here I have an open letter for any potential future relationships. Please feel free to use and edit it as you see fit! This is just an example of what I think are good boundaries in dating. And before you ask...yes I have given this to someone before. Haha
Boundaries
I have a list of guidelines and boundaries I'm going to give you. I won't hold it against you at all if you decide it's not worth it. I'm going to be asking a lot of you. But if you want to commit to a serious relationship, and possibly a lifelong one, this is a chance to prove how serious you are. A wise saying states that "A guy who truly loves you and wants what's best for you will do whatever it takes to win your affection." I agree with this saying because I know I have value and I know how deeply I am already loved by my Father in heaven. I am going to reciprocate that love by respecting Him. Like I said before, I won't blame you if you feel this is too much to ask. I'll always care deeply for you and whatever you decide, but you say you want to take this seriously so I am going to show you what that means to me. I am going to be completely open and honestly transparent about what I want, what I expect, and what is required in a relationship...so I hope you will take all of this into sincere consideration.
My Rules
1. Go to church with me. Don't just SAY you're going to go...actually go. It doesn't have to be EVERY single Sunday.
Reasons why:
My relationship with God is the MOST important thing in my life. I need you to respect and support that; respect and support me.
The Bible says it is better not to marry unless you feel you can better serve Christ within the bonds of marriage. That isn't even a possibility with you if you don't attempt to acknowledge Christ.
2. I am not going to have sex until I get married. I don't want to feel tempted in any way for that either. I will NOT tolerate pressure to have sex or anything close to that kind of intimacy. If I feel pressured I will put an end to the relationship. That's how serious I am.
Reasons why:
It is my decision, it's good and pure and safe. It is respectful to me and my body as well.
Chastity is a rule in my faith. I respect God and I will honor His commands because I know He has my best in mind.
3. Respect the rules given to you by my family or by me. These rules are not meant to be an insult or offensive to you and your character. Rather, they are for both of our protection.
4. We will be open and honest about everything. We will not lie about where we are going, who we are with, or what we will be doing. Chances are if we are ashamed of whatever it is, we shouldn't be doing it anyways. Also, it goes without saying we will be honest with each other about everything. Relationships don't work without transparency
5. I need you to be faithful and take initiative. These two things are especially important to me. Be there when you say you will be; follow through with commitments and responsibility. I don't want to be nagging you to do the right thing. I will commit to these things as well.
Now this is where it might seem too strict but I agree with every rule because I know they are true.
6. Chastity: I already discussed how I view chastity but this is more specific. As far as purity is concerned, holding hands is as far as physical contact goes. I may have given more in the past, but I felt guilty about it every time and I don't want to feel guilty with you. If you think this is too strict I have to ask; how would you define a pure relationship? Why do you get into a serious relationship in the first place? Why marry? Surely not for physical contact!
7. Chaperone: We're not going to be alone in a dark room okay? That invites temptation. Do you know how to resist lustful temptations? AVOID THEM! We can go on dates alone together, but no late night apartment visits alone or being in my house alone. That sort of exclusive intimacy needs to be saved for life-long commitments.
8. Commitment: Be there for me, be there with my family and form relationships with them. I will do the same for you.
What I promise in Return
1. I promise respect: A woman's character can be judged by how she makes others feel about themselves. Just as I show respect to God, I will show that same respect to you.
2. Encouragement: I will listen and sympathize. I will support and stand behind you.
3. Submission: I will not exercise manipulative dominance over your character and desires. I won't go behind your back and gossip about you.
4. I will give you a reason to be proud: I will speak highly of you and make sure that my character won't bring you shame.
5. Unconditional love and forgiveness: Not only do I have my love (which is finite and inconsistent) I have God's love. I can forgive and love not because I think you are perfect, but because I know you aren't and neither am I. I can love you, through Christ, more than you've ever been loved before.
I WILL NOT compromise on any of these boundaries...so here is the real question...is it worth it to you to follow these rules?